Everyday I hate life a little more. I don’t know why. I mean, I do but the reasons are more chemical and less environmental. As in, my brain is more jacked than the situations and tragedies that life keeps dumping into my lap. I try to remind myself that it could be worse. I could live in a third world country with dirty water and no tampons.
I have been swinging up and down for the last few months. I can not get level and it is so exhausting. I can’t write, I can’t read, my mind is racing all over the place. I worry about everything every single day. To make matters worse, I have been looking through the “ugly filter” and I can’t seem to take it off. The “ugly filter” is not really a thing. It is what I call the way I see things when I am in this particular mood. The sky is gray, the grass is gray, my hair is gray. Everything, no matter how glorious is shit. Oddly, when I am in this mood is when people always need to talk to me or need me to do something for them. Unfortunately, I usually try to accommodate their requests but it just leads me to not really listening, not having any empathy for their situation, giving them shitty advice or just completely avoiding them which just makes me look like a shitty person…and feel like a shitty person then I feel guilty for being a shitty person.
When every thought in your head(and the ones that slip out of your mouth)is negative you have to wonder what is the purpose of life and why are you even here? And as sure as you will ask that question there will be some asshole that will say something less encouraging and more idiotic like ”if every day was wonderful and there was no sorrow and pain how you would you know how to appreciate the happy days?” I would fucking figure it out.
Life is shit because this stupid whore Bipolar won’t leave me be.
I wrote this many months ago but I think it has an important message. I am not looking through the "ugly filter" as of late.